Dear Kitten

Dear Kitten,

Since I have hissed at you the customary 437 times, it is now my duty as the head of the household to, begrudgingly, welcome you. Perhaps you are here to replace me, but I must do my duty and educate you on your new surroundings, as Maximillian once did for me, R.I.P.

Dear Kitten,

This rule here is basically a crap shoot. Either you get the petting of your life, and I mean two hands, like you don’t even know what’s going on, OR they just lie there and don’t do anything for hours – it’s weird.

Oh, and I should also point out, on special occasions, they will leave the underwear drawer open to signal their appreciation – of ME. Just to be clear, it’s my spot. It’s perfect in there. It’s like sleeping surrounded by underwear. Well, I mean…that’s exactly what it is.

Dear Kitten,

I remember when I could fit in a shoe. There’s nothing like it. Being engulfed in 360 degrees of foot smell. Enjoy it while you can.

Dear Kitten,

Because you are so small, you can not jump. Which is sad. Sad for you. But eventually you will, and you will find the places I refer to as “up”. This will come in handy, especially around the human larvae, which I know smells like milk, but can be a bit grabby.

Dear Kitten,

You should be aware that there are two kinds of food. The first is sort of a brown, dehydrated nibblet. I think they give us these because they are training us to be astronauts. Just a guess. The second kind is wet food. It is so special they keep it in little armored metal casings that no claw can penetrate. With no claws to speak of, the human’s can somehow open them. It’s like some dark magic.

Dear Kitten,

I should warn you of the monster known as “Vac-Koom”. It can eat and yell at the same time. And I’ve seen it eat everything. Seriously, like a paper clip and two cat toys. Didn’t even flinch. To hide from Vac-Koom, you may use the curtains of invisibility. Oh yeah, you’re good. Good hiding. Hoh, boy.

Dear Kitten,

One final note. Once in a while, you might see a little red dot. I’m going to tell you this right now. It is real, and it can be caught. I did it once. I held it for a full minute. But when I lifted my paws, it was gone.

So Kitten, welcome to the household. You’ll do just fine.